Confidant Chapter Three (Part Two)

Luke’s flat was on the first floor of a building just round the corner from James’ own flat. It was a modest dwelling that was small enough to be comfortable without being confining. Small but cosy, it seemed perfect for one person to live alone though James found it difficult to imagine two people living there happily.

James made himself comfortable on the soft sofa of the living room while Luke brought two beers from the kitchen and sat cross-legged on the floor, insisting that he found it more comfortable than any of his furniture.

‘So, I gotta ask,’ James began, realising that alcohol had once again begun to make him care about things his sober mind would have found unimportant. ‘Why did you come to my flat that time? Wouldn’t it have been easier to just introduce yourself?’

Luke forced a laugh that was meant to dispel any awkward air, it managed to do exactly the opposite.

‘It’s pretty embarrassing,’ Luke rubbed the back of his neck, ‘Andy never seems to shut up about you, though he doesn’t say anything about you in relation to himself. We’ve been going out for a few weeks now and I guess I wanted to, well… I got concerned.’

‘You came to see if I was a threat?’ James laughed loudly at the notion.

‘Something like that,’ Luke blushed.

‘Well?’ James said with a wide grin, he leaned forward with a feigned sense of expectant intrigue.

‘I was relieved,’ Luke said calmly, ‘I don’t know him all that well, at least not as well as you do. But when I saw you I knew right away that you really aren’t his type.’

James had not been expecting that. While it was true that he and Andy had turned out to be a less-than-perfect fit, to hear that observation coming from a stranger after an encounter so brief was enough to catch James off guard. It was a statement with both the potential for offence and hilarity.

In truth, James didn’t care enough to be offended, but also couldn’t bring himself to laugh. The time he and Andy had spent together was nice, after all, and he had believed their parting was mutually beneficial aside from some drama that’s to be expected with any breakup.

‘Is that right?’ was all James could bring himself to say. He put on a smile but found himself fumbling with his can of beer, looking at it as though it were the most interesting thing in the world.

Andy wasn’t the kind of person to be obsessive, he wasn’t prone to overt enthusiasm or worship, even about his favourite things. The idea that Andy apparently wouldn’t shut up about him was something James knew likely meant nothing, but it was something to keep in mind none the less.

A feeling came over him then, a familiar sense of random emotion that had come to him when he watched Luke disappear behind the lift doors. Something that was a mix of intoxication and perhaps spite left his skin shaking as though he were outside in the cold once more.

James set his beer on the floor and leaned forward off the sofa. His mind had gone entirely blank, his movements only partially conscious. For reasons he couldn’t comprehend and explanations just beyond his reach, James was acting on something short of instinct and profound desire as he kissed Luke softly on the lips.

Fragments of James’ mind returned the moment they touched and he expected resistance, he even began to form an apology in his head despite not knowing exactly what he was doing himself. Instead of the expected backlash James felt Luke’s hand cup and then grasp the hair on the back of his head.

Luke leant backwards and pulled James with him until they were lying on the floor. With one hand holding himself up, James reached up with his free arm and took Luke’s hand in his. Their fingers interlocked and the Luke’s hold on the back of James’ head tightened.

A sound James didn’t recognise sounded down the hall, followed swiftly by a pressure on his chest as Luke pushed James away. Reclined on the sofa, his knuckle to his lips, James breathed heavily and stared at the ground as Luke apologised quietly. They sat opposite each other for a few seconds, the short distance between them in the small living room suddenly felt like an expanse as wide as any desert.

Luke stood up and went to leave the room, only then did James realise that the noise he heard had been Luke’s doorbell. He already had one sleeve in his coat when he heard Andy’s voice.

‘You’re still here?’ Andy asked as James entered the hallway.

‘Just leaving,’ he replied, stopping at the door and thanking Luke for the drink. Luke smiled in response before bidding him an overly fond farewell.

‘Not like you to want to cut a night short,’ Andy said, an angry tone still lingered behind his almost accusatory words.

‘I have some work to do,’ James said, faking a yawn without knowing why.

‘I’ll be in touch,’ Andy said coldly.

‘I don’t doubt it,’ James said from the top of the stairs, taking care with his volume so as not to disturb Luke’s neighbours. ‘G’night guys.’

The cold of the streets outside again surprised James as he took his first step outside the front door. With a loud shiver he plunged his hands into his pockets, grinding his teeth as he did so in a physical attempt to make his mind shut up.

 

James was home in less than ten minutes and found his waiting room to be gratifyingly empty. He fumbled with his keys in his numb fingers before getting them into the lock and shutting the door quickly behind him. Had anyone been watching it would have seemed as though he was being chased by something. It wasn’t entirely untrue.

The moment he was inside, James planted his back firmly against the door, allowing himself to catch his breath. His heart was pounding harder in his chest than it ought to and his ears rang from the cold. He grabbed his forehead and held on to it as though it might fall off his skull. He cursed under his breath, insulting himself with a few quick whispered syllables.

James had no idea what had come over him. He wanted to blame the alcohol but knew it wasn’t entirely true. He had kissed Luke because he had wanted to kiss him, and he couldn’t ignore how happy he had felt when his desire was reciprocated. Though now it only made him feel sick.

It wasn’t just what he had done that was confusing him, it was why he had done it. While considering that Luke didn’t seem like Andy’s type, James also knew that the same was true for him. Luke was a stranger, a friend of a friend at most, and he wasn’t comparable to anyone James had been attracted to in the past.

Even if it wasn’t true, James never knew himself to be the sort of person to make a first move, especially not one so brash and thoughtless. He had betrayed both Andy and himself with little concurrent regard for the consequences of what he was doing.

All in all, James had scared himself. To act so impulsively wasn’t an entirely new sensation, though he had been dwelling more on the fact that he had taken Luke’s hand. If he was just horny then he would have allowed his hands to wonder to more intimate places, instead he had unconsciously made a gesture that could be construed as far more romantic than James would allow himself to be with someone like Luke. It meant nothing, and he knew it meant nothing, but it still bothered him.

He took a deep breath and silenced a deeper longing that he had learned to more or less ignore. With naught but a shake of his head James dispelled the overthinking with an arguable degree of success.

He felt like an idiot for getting so caught up in something so small, so meaningless. It didn’t matter, it didn’t mean anything. He was drunk and lonely, he’d wake up the next day hungover and embarrassed, he’d wait it out and that would be that.

James considered a whisky as he walked into his living room and threw his coat on the sofa, but the sight of the still unopened package on the coffee table made him realise that brushing his teeth and going to bed were preferable solutions. He made a mental note to throw the package out the next day and walked slowly to his room, a sudden fatigue had hit him hard.

It would be hours before James was able to nod off. Throughout the night he couldn’t get the thought of Andy and Luke being together in that exact moment as he lay in bed, in his flat, alone as he always was. It was a thought that he found more humiliating than hurtful.

 

***

 

James spent his Sunday undisturbed and well caffeinated. He found himself in higher spirits than he had been in a while and was not looking to question why. The Monday came fast, though, and he was still in a good mood as he sat opposite Dahlia Noore for their first therapy session.

The downside of being in a good mood was that James found himself with very little to say.

Being an early afternoon session, Dahlia had prepared coffee in lieu of whisky, it was a cortado in a small and expensive looking cup. It was strong and effective without being overpowering, the perfect brew.

‘So James,’ Dahlia began after some comfortable preamble, ‘let’s start by discussing your life since graduation. Tell me, what’s a normal day for you?’

This was the kind of question James found difficult to answer. Vague, half-hearted enquiries that a hundred boring answers. To begin with a question as open-ended as it was inoffensive was just what he had expected, though hadn’t really prepared for.

‘Not much to say,’ he replied, ‘I wake up early enough in the morning, get up not long after and spend the day either killing time, reading or doing what you’re doing now.’

‘Interesting that you don’t consider reading to be killing time,’ Dahlia picked up on the smallest detail immediately, James knew she would the moment the words came out of his mouth.

‘Reading feels productive,’ he had his answer ready, ‘even some trashy nonsense or badly written horror, reading makes me feel like I’m doing something. It makes me think,’ James set his cup down on the glass table before him, the noise of the porcelain hitting the class was louder than he anticipated and made him wince. Dahlia didn’t seem to notice, though James was sure she did.

‘Is horror your genre of choice, then?’ Dahlia asked. She had a peculiar way of asking questions that made even the most mundane things seem to be of paramount importance.

‘Not really,’ James replied, ‘I’m not very picky.’

‘And what about when you’re in my position?’ Dahlia sipped her coffee, ‘Are you picky about your patients?’

‘Isn’t that a bit of a stretch?’ James smirked as he lifted his own cup back off the table, making a note to himself to not set it down again.

‘It would be if I weren’t sure of one thing,’ Dahlia cocked her head slightly to the side. James braced himself. ‘Do you know why I have so many seats in my office?’

James looked around the office, reminding himself of the layout. It only occurred to him then that the office he had been in many times had not changed at all, but he had never sat in the seat by the window until the week before. Every conversation he had had with Doctor Noore over the years had taken place at her desk or on the small grey sofa by the door.

James only thought to question then why an office occupied by one person would require so many places to sit. Between Dahlia’s own chair and the two at her desk, the sofa and the chairs in which they sat then, there was enough space for eight people, maybe more.

‘You’ve noticed it, haven’t you?’ Dahlia asked, ‘I use these seats for patients, the desk for professional calls and the sofa for personal ones.

‘I remember you telling me that you’ve always wanted to own a rocking chair, I can assume that you both have that chair and you use it for reading, social and not-so-social engagements, correct?’

‘Correct,’ James said, raising an eyebrow. He wasn’t entirely sure what she was getting at.

‘I make this distinction within my own space because I believe it’s important to differentiate between what and where. If you use a space to regularly take on hardships, then how can you expect to be happy using that same space for recreation. I think it’s correct to say that this negative association has made your pastimes have become less fulfilling in recent years, right?’

James couldn’t argue, he saw her point clearly enough. One of the reasons he had disliked the idea of therapy was because he hated having important revelations pointed out as though they were the most obvious ideas in the world. James knew it was the point, but it didn’t stop him from feeling like an idiot.

‘I must say you look well rested,’ Dahlia smiled warmly, ‘you barely slept when you were my student. While I can’t say I approve of how you’ve been using your time I must say that a more leisurely life seems to have somewhat become you.’

‘I don’t know what to say,’ James blushed slightly.

‘But of course your life wasn’t exactly without leisure before, was it?’ Dahlia smirked again. ‘Before we go any further,’ she said, lifting a briefcase from beside her chair and producing several papers. She handed the papers to James and sat back, an air of anticipation on her face as he looked over them.

‘Wait,’ James said, confused, ‘bank details?’

‘I’ve decided to offer you not an internship or shadowing position,’ she finished her coffee and set the cup down on the table soundlessly, ‘but a role as a paid assistant. I think you’re more than qualified.’

‘I didn’t come looking for a job,’ James tried not to sound ungrateful.

‘Your father’s money isn’t going to last forever,’ Dahlia’s tone turned more serious, ‘when I learned that you weren’t going to continue your education I was disappointed, but more than that I was concerned that your hedonistic and promiscuous tendencies had won over your equally academic ones.’

‘I need to start thinking about the future, huh?’ James looked again to the forms.

‘Exactly,’ Dahlia said, her seriousness remained but behind it James could hear a caring tone. ‘I don’t need a response right away.’

‘When would I start?’ James asked, intrigued. He wasn’t about to overlook how great of an opportunity this was, the kind of offer most undergrads would kill for.

‘We’ll have something of an introduction this Wednesday, then from next week you’ll be working from me Tuesdays through Thursdays. Our Monday sessions would remain a condition, of course.’

James was ashamed to admit that he had never really put much thought into what he would do for work when the time came. He had been too busy of late enjoying something of a respite from responsibility to think about the future. Dahlia, of course, had made some excellent points, and he had been meaning to replace is old sofa.

‘I have to admit,’ Dahlia turned to look out the window, ‘I was surprised when I saw you again. When you became quiet in your second year I began to worry that you had fallen too far, that. You were angry and focussed yet somehow apathetic, too.’

James had not wanted to talk about this so soon, he remained quiet knowing anything he said, even in defiance, would only give Dahlia more to work with.

‘But seeing you here now,’ she went on, ‘you seem much happier. I’d like to ask, what happened to you?’

‘Then or now?’ James set his empty cup down, the noise didn’t bother him.

‘Either, I’m sure we’ll get to both eventually,’ Dahlia said confidently.

‘The former is ancient history, the latter is something I don’t want to question.’

‘I suppose that’s fair for now,’ Dahlia leant back, sure in the knowledge that that she would get the answers she wanted in time. The See-All knew very well that first sessions were more often than not an assessment and re-adjustment of boundaries between patient and therapist. The meeting they were in was an ice breaker, and what was beneath that ice would show itself eventually in as much detail as she desired.

‘Perhaps I am being too forward for an opening session,’ she said, ‘how about we table this for now and catch up?’

‘Shouldn’t we move to the sofa, then?’ James joked.

‘Not this time,’ Dahlia replied quickly, she did not match his tone.

 

James found himself in no worse spirits as he left Dahlia’s office. Even the sight of Andy’s scowling face waiting for him outside wasn’t enough to dampen his spirits.

‘We need to talk,’ Andy folded his arms.

‘Well good afternoon to you too.’

‘Charlotte told me you’d be here,’ Andy ignored James’ sarcasm.

‘Okay…’

‘You free or not?’

‘That depends,’ James made his way to the lift, Andy followed behind. ‘What do we need to talk about?’

 

‘I really don’t appreciate what you said on Saturday, you know?’ Andy stared into his coffee. James had gone for a lemonade as he still found himself buzzing from earlier.

‘I know, man,’ he replied, relieved that Luke had apparently chosen not to tell Andy what had happened. ‘Look, I was insensitive, I was just concerned.’

‘Is it so hard to believe that a guy like me can be with someone unless I’m using them?’

‘That’s not what I meant,’ James said quickly. He knew he had no right to be upset, but he didn’t care for Andy’s tone.

‘Then what did you mean?’ Andy looked up. In that moment James saw in his eyes something that wasn’t anger, he knew then that if Andy had been holding a grudge he would have said so sooner. He had been chewing on James’ words, likely not believing them but still feeling as though they came from a place of truth. James needed to be careful.

‘He just didn’t seem like your type to me,’ he spoke truthfully, ‘though I should have gathered from what you said before that you’re not the one playing around here.’

‘What?’ Andy’s eyes went wide as though James had offended him.

‘I mean, you’re insecure enough and, let’s face it, not long out of what was a promising relationship. That can make someone vulnerable, I’m still trying to look out for you I guess.’

‘Appreciated,’ Andy said half-heartedly. ‘He wants to see you, by the way.’

‘Me? Why?’

‘For sessions I guess, maybe just to talk. Don’t ask me why.’

James didn’t like that, though he had to accept the expectations placed on his role, albeit with some discomfort.

‘I’ve gotta ask,’ Andy lifted his coffee to his lips, ‘Did something happen between you two?’

There it was, James was faced with the terrible yet familiar problem of choosing between a potentially painful truth and an arguably white lie. He was not so righteous that he thought his actions didn’t have consequences, but he also wasn’t so naïve to think that all truths would be uncovered in time.

‘No,’ he answered.

‘Okay. I’m sorry to ask, but I’m really trying to make this work.’

James nodded, acknowledging once again the expectations that came with a man of his reputation. He did not need to think about why Andy had seen fit to ask, the question wouldn’t have been without reason even if nothing had happened.

‘I gave him your number,’ Andy said emotionlessly, ‘hope that’s okay?’

‘Of course,’ James said, not sure if he meant it. ‘Hey Andy, I just want to let you know that our past is just that. We’re friends, yeah? I care about you.’

James spoke these words with a genuine sincerity. Andy was his friend, and while he could be cold sometimes, James knew that he wouldn’t have said what he said if he didn’t mean it. By the time the two of them parted ways for the day James still didn’t know which stung him more, the words Andy had said in response, or the frank uncaring tone with which he said them.

‘Sure thing.’

 

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CONFIDANT is available for pre order on Kindle here:

E-book and paperback scheduled for release on Wednesday 14th February 2018.